Saturday, June 20, 2009

James 'Jimmy Crack Claw' McClickers Strikes!

This just in. Former mafioso, now turned State's witness Ronny "Pups" Barker was killed last night.

According to sources within the poice department, Ronny was found with multiple claw marks, soaking in a pool of his own blood (or ketchup). An un-identified source within the PD listed James McClickers, aka Jimmy Crack Claw, as the prime suspect.

A witness at the scene of the crime stated that he heard somone say, "Now hush, puppy," around the time of the murder.

I know that was a long way to go for a fried food joke, but c'mon.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Holy Crap I'm Bored!!!

Unfortunately, it seems, crime goes way the Hell down around 3am on a weeknight. I'm sitting here, doin' absolutely nothing but playing with my... Phone. Sick fucks.

Anyway, the job is going well. I got into my first vehicle pursuit the other night. That was pretty cool, but it didn't last very long b/c the guy could help but crash head-on into a parked car at 45mph. He dislocated/fractured his hip. Turns out he was drunk and didn't think the going to jail just drunk was sufficient... He wanted to go bleeding!

Other than that things have been relatively quiet. I've gotten several DWI arrests. It's amazing how much paperwork that involves!

This weekend Joelle and I are heading to Williamsburg for our 2nd anniversary. That should be entertaining.

Anyway, that's all I have for now. What are you up to?

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Is Anything New?

Not really. For some reason I remember my 6th grade teacher who would never let you say you were throwing something away, because "there is no away." Deep.

Things are going well here. I just switched to my secondary training officer and am now on Midnights. It's dark. It's also suprisingly boring. Criminals don't seem to do much at 3am. I guess it's because they're all in bed, resting up for that job interview in the morning! HA!!

I did make a friend the other night. This fellow shows up at Mt Vernon Hospital naked and not knowing how he got there. He claims that the last thing he remembered was taking a ride from someone he couldn't remember in a car he couldn't remember. He said he must have fallen asleep because he had a "beer or two," and they must have stripped him and taken him to the hospital. Anyone else's BS meter going off the charts?

Anyway, he's not drunk enough for jail, but he's causing issues at the hospital so they give him some scrubs and kick him out. We can't arrest him b/c, again, he's not drunk enough, and he wanders off into the sunrise.

The next night at about midnight I get a dispatch, "Scout 211A, start for a report of a man in scrubs trying the garage doors at the gas station." Needless to say, I didn't need all of my investigative skills to know who I was going over to meet.

We meet up with him and he's surly as ever. However, this time he's also drunk enough for lock-up. Hooray! I cuff him up and off we go. Well, as it turns out, he's an asshole. I have to listen to his mouth for the next two hours. Luckily, I am also an asshole. I actually had a lot of fun with this guy. The best part was when the Deputy asked him if he had any allergies. "Yeah," he responded, "I'm allergic to dumbass cops." I actually broke out laughing, then he did in spite of his rage. All in all, it was a good time.

Unfortunately he's going to have my job after his lawyer "sues you [me] in criminal court." So it appears that I'll be entering the job market soon... anyone have any openings? :)

We had our cookout the other day. That was a blast. Unfortunately, because it had rained for about 40 days (BIBLICAL REFERENCE!)* beforehand the lawn was still saturated. This didn't pose too much of a problem until we tried plaing Bocce. Then the balls were splashing about in the muck (PORNOGRAPHICAL REFERENCE!)* and were difficult to find because I had been unable to cut the grass.

All in all, though, I think everyone had a good time. Joelle and I are thinking about having another one on July 4th... Anyone interested?

Anyway, I've put off showering and actually getting going today for long enough. I'll catch you all (and arrest you if you're drunk :) ) later.

*Emphasis added for the dense of mind.