Al-Qaeda's Secret Plan to Hijack the Internet

Okay. So I'm sure that all of you have heard the recent controversy over the decision to try accused terrorist and all-around shithead Khalid Sheikh Mohammed in an American court of law.

Well, the other day I was perusing an issue of the Economist (how erudite of me!) while Joelle was poking around the library. In this issue was a brief blip about this controversy and a picture of the subject. This picture:



Well, as I gazed upon the face of evil something seemed very familiar about it. I felt like I had seen it before in the course of my wanderings about the internet... And that's when it struck me! "O RLY?" I exclaimed, slapping my forehead as realization came through.



The ORLY Owl! I know they don't look similar at first glance, but to me the resemblance was uncanny. I downloaded the picture and ran it through some advanced imaging software (MS PAINT) on my mainframe (HP Desktop.) I was able to pull this image out of the digital code (or some other fancy sounding, CSI lingo):



"Unbelievable," I thought, "The terrorists have been able to corrupt something as American as Apple Pie- our crazy internet fads!!!" What could fall next before the crafty hands of these devilish deviants? And then I realized the answer was right in front of me... the American Justice System!

Somehow these fanatical freaks have found a way to make us doubt the very code of justice that purports to be the blind adjudicator of good and evil in our society. Everyday we hear talking heads warning us of the perils of trying a murderous piece of garbage in an American Court of Law. How silly we've been became crystal clear as conservative pundits explained the facts to me. How can we reasonably expect our judicial system to give a fair trial to this monster? How can we feel safe when our inadequate prison system is housing this cave-dwelling maniac?

Okay, I have to switch gears... some vitriol spilled on my keyboard as I was typing the above. The shakes of it is that we, as a free Democratic society, have an established legal system. Does it have flaws? You're damn skippy it does. However, it is our system and it is as fair and impartial as anything run by imperfect people can be. I think that we should cherish the idea of taking this evil person and showing that American Justice can be swift and severe.

Does part of me wish that we could just find him immediately guilty by public acclaim and then allow the mob to render him to pieces? YES!!! But that rage-filled part of me is an animal that is not much better than the scum at which my rage is directed.

I think an important part of post-9/11 America has not just been the fight to secure our borders and debilitate our foreign enemies, but also the fight to not lose what makes us the beacon of freedom in the world. Someone told me that, by giving this filth a public, fair trial, we're going to show the world that we are weak. I disagree. I think it shows the world that we are better than those that wish to do us harm. That we can respect human life, even when it doesn't deserve it. Will a few embarrassing facts about how this scum was treated come out in the trial? Yes, they probably will. But we atone for those entirely understandable tactics by, in the end, giving Khalid Sheikh Mohammed the fair trial that he hasn't earned, and the swift and painless death that he denied his victims. We're America, goddammit. We're better than this.

And as for the terrorist plot for the internet.. be careful. I've heard that they already have plans for the LolCats.